I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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