Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
