My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
