Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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