he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize