Life is so much better after having sex.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
