I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
