his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
