Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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