Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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