i don't like sucking hair
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
