you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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