Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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