I just saw a hot homeless man
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
