Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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