And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You just made me feel so damn special
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
