just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
