The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
