just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
