i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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