im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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