This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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