So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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