just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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