based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
