don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
