I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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