...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
