I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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