And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
