it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
