Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
