This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
