omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize