All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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