just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
