I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
