Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
