You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
