...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
