I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
