My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
