oh god the rape fog is back!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
