my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
