i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
