youre lurking in front of me
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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