keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
