My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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