I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
