this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
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