Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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