i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
