I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
