Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
