One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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