I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
