I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
