after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
