I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize