I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember whose house we're in?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize