my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
