Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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